alone in the atlanta airport on easter sunday

Last night I dreamt Damien, Lorelei, and Derek were in my hotel room. They were joking and laughing and jumping around, as kids will do, and I was desperately trying to quiet them down before their dad heard them. Finally I became harsh, like him, and told them they had to go. The three of them started fading, their sounds started fading, and, when I looked again, they were gone.

I have cried so many tears last night and this morning and now I am numb.

more monster

lumps

What is the matter, what can it be
To be so unhappy, to be unhappy
Maybe you got the rabies and maybe you got the flu
But you can't try to fix it, 'cause you don't know what to do

Anxiety, and it's really gonna kill you
Anxiety, killing you like very slow poison

- The Electric Eels

There are times, like now, when my anxiety spikes and I feel like I'm not in control. And yet, at the same time, I also feel like a disembodied, neutral observer. I'm aware of the spike, and even though my insides are feeling off, it's as if I'm outside of the situation, like an objective scientist, measuring it. Wondering what it's all about and when it will pass. It's very strange, but in a way it's also comforting. I like to think that I'm not my anxiety. We may be two entities wrestling inside the same body, but I am separate and distinct. I'm stuck here in the ring, the uneasiness is here with me and I can feel it attacking, but this doesn't necessarily define who I am.

Tonight, however, I am feeling pinned.

birth of a monster

Started messing around with Adobe Illustrator, but had to finish in Photoshop. You can tell which parts I drew in Illustrator. It gives you really clean lines.

kamen mach two

I should never post anything until it's finished.

That said, this has been kicking my ass tonight. We'll call it a rough draft of my vision for installment number two in my Kamen Rider series. It somehow seems off and, try as I might, I haven't figured out how to tighten it up. Still, at least I have it down on paper. The idea has been birthed. Some nights that's the best you can hope for.

I had today off and basically did nothing. I just hung out here, me and the cats. Did laundry and it was warm enough to hang it outside. Cooked salmon for dinner. I have the only cats in the world who don't like salmon. Listened to tunes. Eleventh Dream Day. Don't want to go to work tomorrow. What's new?

lost and found

I've been doing a lot of cleaning lately, and, for a pack rat such as myself, it's sort of like undergoing an archaeological dig of my life. I've been finding a lot of mementos. Two of the items I've stumbled upon are "souvenirs" from my time on the island of Guam. One is a bullet I found while snorkeling in a tidal pool circa 1978. It was a remnant of the ferocious Battle of Guam, fought some 34 years before I found it that calm afternoon. That bullet may have more significance than anything I own, because it fired my imagination and kick started my interest in history at the tender age of eight. I ended up majoring in history, so that's got to count for something.

The other is this pendant. I have a penchant for finding things, and I found this on the schoolyard one day. It, too, has always fired my imagination. The dragon (with crown) around the edges is fascinating enough, but what's always intrigued me are the markings in the middle. This pendant is not worn at all, the outer detail is sharp, and yet the markings seem faint, as if they are shrouded in mist. Were they intended to be that way? And what do they mean, or stand for, if anything? They've always reminded me of a maze or labyrinth, which seems fitting.

Still, while I love a good mystery, I like a good answer, too. There are no markings on the back that lead me toward any jeweler or manufacturer. The only possible clue is that while this looks to be made of silver on the front, it's more like an alloy on the back. It's not ancient. It might not even be old. However, it's nonetheless intriguing. It meant something to someone once, but, to the rest of the world, it carries an air of the mystical.

Of course my superstitious side has wondered from time to time if the damned thing summons evil spirits and has somehow cursed my life. But you know, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This is the only life I know.